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A bad sign usually and if she was real – and there was a 99 per cent chance she wasn’t – she’d have picked lips because they were her best feature, ie the entire body and face would be porridge – so not the kind of wench you’d want your mates to know you’d ever been with.

But still “a mouth is a mouth”, right, and the insistence in her many messages and the RU free at 11?

There are footsteps – hers or mine I can’t remember exactly because of the excitement – and she stands and asks if I’m looking for someone and tells me her name and so then we’re sitting and I’m talking. You know when you’re just spouting every kind of panicked crap because a woman is just so beautiful.

I think most guys have done this at least once – well, maybe apart from the credit card details. And, of course, I regretted it in the harsh light of day as I realised that I’d just signed up for a year’s subscription at £79.99, which had penalties for breaking my contract and I threw the damn phone across the room and was on the edge of puking into my brogues when I heard my phone ping with a message. C’mon, I thought, this is just some automated reply, right, that every schmuck gets when they sign up for these scams.You know, when it’s 4am and there’s not the remotest chance of a booty call with even the most drunken “cuddly” friend-with-benefits, so to idly pass the flaccid hours till the pills wear off, it’s a “Sex Now” site.You know, the ones that use GPS to map “Hot and Horny Local Babes…” “In your Neighbourhood…” “Hungry to fuck right now.” And they’re always populated by Busty Charlene and Doggy Jane (only two miles away) who are both deeply photoshopped and are on every other “Sex Now” site and so don’t actually exist at any locale.Maybe I was going to be guy number 352 in some montage of losers they’d edit together for some smarmy video installation entitled “Waiting for Gina”. I stood there in the toilet cubicle feeling like a dork-to-be and thinking I’d give it one more minute then leg it, but then I heard the outer door. She was wearing these strappy things with peekaboo toes.There was a knock on my cubicle and I opened the door and she was there, her eyes flashing then her finger to my mouth, her lips in a “Shh” shape. She locked the cubicle door behind herself and crouched. She undid my belt to free my cock and balls, and started gorging herself, filling her mouth as she rolled my length across her cheeks, all the time making these whimpering noises.

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